Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
