She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
