Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
