Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This toilet bowl is my home.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
