I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
