We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
