I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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