I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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