Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
