I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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