Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
