so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
