I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
