My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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