I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
