I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
