my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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