It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
