Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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