Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
