I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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