So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
