tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
