I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
