walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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