i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
