I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
