I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am available for nakedness
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
