Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
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Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
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The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!