My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.