Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
this hospital has no fireball
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
