Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
