My underwear smells like fireworks.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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