I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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