You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
