she woke up with a sticky ear
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
