Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
