Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
