Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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