Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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