We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
