Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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