I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
