I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have fence marks all over my body
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
