I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
