I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
