he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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