If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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