yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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