On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
