You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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