i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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