so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
