I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i will never coherently bang her
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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