Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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