That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
