my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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