On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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