Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
