The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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