So drunk its hurt
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
